laid is the bunny
by haloration
Summary: samantha...derwin...heck
1. plop goes the bunny

This fictional fantasy is defiantly at no figment of your imagination, nor of ours. But perhaps the characters in this parody will think better of the idea of truth behind it.  
  
Let me introduce myself as Picket Fence. I've written other parodies and fictional stories. Romance, adventure, you name it. Now I'm co-writing this little parody with HalOratIOn. I hope you enjoy this little ficcy. I know I'm so over joyed to be writing it myself!  
  
Oh, and do note. As always, we are not J RR Tolkien, therefore we couldn't possibly own his characters anyway. We only own ours of course.  
  
  
  
  
  
So, it begins on a day of much joy an happiness. Like all my other fics, I shall place to wildly craving Lord of the Rings girls in the need to get laid upon the seen, which much likeness of both HalOratIOn and myself. Then, when they are so nigh to the fall upon Middle-earth, I shall let them fall! And lo! They do fall. Down down down.and further and further.Until, what luck! What fortune, they find the Fellowship traveling near Caradhras and land straight on Sam. Nobody likes Sam anyway. He was picking his little hobbit nose at the time and some how his finger got lodged up his nose upon one of the girls landing on his ugly and vulnerable little head. This girl, we shall name her Samantha, was speechless from both the sight of the fellowship and also the small fact that she'd just fallen a good 150 feet onto her back and had now thoroughly knocked the wind out of her. The other girl, we shall call her Derwin, was in her subconscious and began to mutter many incoherent words under her breath and then began to do some vulgar movements with a tree nearby which we will not embellish till later chapters.  
  
  
  
"Major Ewwyness!" cried Samantha in distress, for she now realized not only was she sitting on Sam which was too gross for her, but an unsightly liquid was pouring forth from his nose. She got up from sitting on him and ran around a few times, much like a dog would, and screaming loudly, so loudly in fact that all the birds and beasts upon the fellowship's track could and would hear them at this instant. "Oh my good gracious God! Eww, I'm diseased, I shall never be rid of this awful loss of immunity! Quick, Legolas, look!" She pulled down her knickers to her knees and then pulled down the back half of her panties in order to reveal her bottom side.  
  
  
  
"Do I have leprosy?"  
  
  
  
The fellowship swayed and stared at her cheeks for a time.  
  
"Wow, her butt is hairy," thought Legolas. "Gosh, her butt looks like our feet!" muttered the hobbits simultaneously. "Holy great balls of fire!" thought Boromir, "her bottom half must be twice as big as mine!" "Good god," thought Gimli, "her ass really turns me on!" Sam had now awoken and was frantically trying to dislodge his finger from his nose. Later on that same day, the fellowship was sitting around the fire listening to the girls chit chat about this or that, or that or Orlando Bloom. Sometimes, they would actually talk about "that" or "this" precisely. No one understood them anyway so it made no difference what "that" or "this" was. All the fellowship was sitting around the circle except for Sam, who was cooking. Legolas had purposefully tried to sit as far away from the hairy- ass girl as possible. She seemed to be stalking him, and every word from her mouth addressed to him, ended up spraying all over his clean and motley colored tunic. It's funny how nice an elf can look, even when he's been traveling for weeks on end and hasn't had a shower. "Sam!" cried Pippin, "stop picking your butt! Your cooking food!" Derwin and Samantha had finally gotten up in order to as they say "fetch wood for the fire". "Come now Legolas, escort us to the nearest stream or creek so we won't be abducted by anything unnatural." Legolas grumbled something under his breath.  
  
"I'll come!" cried Gimli.  
  
"But your unnatural, come now Legolas."  
  
Legolas got up and they were off to the creek.  
  
When they had reached the little bubbling creek, Derwin turned to Samantha and signaled. Both grabbed Legolas and threw him against a tree. Derwin grabbed her bondage straps out of her back pocket and immediately started to tie Legolas up, making extra sure that she pinched Legolas hard so as to hear him moan. She was quite content in this.  
  
"So, Legolas, have you ever been laid?" asked Samantha.  
  
"Laid?" asked Legolas, not sure how to answer this question.  
  
"Yes, have you ever had a bang."  
  
"Bang?"  
  
"Ok, have you ever done the hanky panky?"  
  
"Hanky panky?"  
  
"Let's see," Samantha turned to Derwin, "what other words are there for a sexual encounter, intercourse, or sex??"  
  
"Have you ever had a sexual intercourse?" asked Derwin.  
  
"No, I have not," Legolas said firmly.  
  
"Would you like one?"  
  
"No, I would not."  
  
The girls looked befuddled.  
  
They took two steps away from Legolas, who was still bondaged up, and began to whisper.  
  
"What shall we do!" whispered Samantha.  
  
"Just rape him anyway," said Derwin.  
  
"I don't think it's physically possible to rape a man," Samantha replied.  
  
"That's too bad, what a pity," both looked at their feet in shock and sadness.  
  
"Well, let's just get the water and get out of here, it's really creepy in these woods."  
  
They left and Legolas remained still bondaged up.  
  
"Ahhh! You can't leave me here!" he cried in dismay, but the two girls did not listen to him as they walked away.  
  
"You think about what you've done first Legolas Greenleaf," they replied. 


	2. weeee goes the bunny

Might I say? I am envious of our dear picket fence. And now that our story has begun. I am almost green of jealousy. But trouble not! I shall do. What I might do! Now one more thing. I am not exactly sure which one of us is who. So I will act as both Samantha and Derwin at the time being. That is of course until we decided who gets faramir first. Bwahahaha.  
  
halOraRTiOn  
  
  
  
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After their sorry encounter with a screwless elf. The girl's hopes had quite dropped. And spirits along. But sorrow is no way to do things; you must simply hold your head high. And bitch off to any needless thing, which dares lay sight on you. And so, the two organic princesses shall do just this.  
  
  
  
On their slow mournful march home. They began a very fast, unsanitized conversation on which and what to do. If their dearest Leggy, never saw the light. Whether they should be the first woman to actually rape a man, or if they should gently prick at him till excitement gradually dawned. And the sun came upon them three. But then again.what if the poor male had never tried such before. Now poor girls. They so simply couldn't teach.for they were no trainers. But were still aspiring to the great sex goddesses they ever worshiped. But then what could they do?  
  
In deep sadness they quickly began ticking off the other four males in the fellow ship. Frodo or.naw. If not as bent as crooked sticks, they would surely be twisted. Gandalf.out of the question. Gimli. They were only so sure that dwarves really did spring out of holes in the ground. Merry or pippin. Good god. Boromir. They actually didn't mind big asses. But ones that sagged to the knees. That there.was a slight issue. And now Aragorn. They would rather screw his mate anyhow. Couldn't possibly mess up their perfect attire. That man must shed maggots like a horse some contagious disease.  
  
  
  
Through their march, they had actually passed through camp. Derwin purposely trotted on Sam's physic booger encrusted finger. And Samantha upon gimli's beard. But that damn dwarf never even looked up or rather.down.  
  
  
  
Realizing their mistake.a short speechless discussion held them up in decision of if they should actually go back or not. But the vision of legolas was too strong. And the elf of power.doesn't have a will of it's own. So why do they go back? Well. One of the two must have his spandex leggings. While the other.just had to have herself pulled under. Well.might we say both? So they desperately broke unto their Monty python inspired canter, and hurried back through the snow.  
  
  
  
Once arrived back in camp. Many groans, and a certain whoop of overpowered joy, In which Brought them bowing to their knees. And gently patting their necks in reward for such a splendid ride. Beginning to launch into a usual hysteric fit of giggles. The girls were soon rolling down the slopes of the mountain, only to run up again and again to do it again. When just in the middle of their 17'Th ride. They stopped short in the middle of a fatal roll. Remembering they had tied up their absolute beloved. Now this only started more of those giggles. Until Derwin, promptly had laughed to hard, with too much water earlier that day.no longer smelt of the honey-suckle cockroach lotion she has generously applied to her greasy skin that morning.  
  
  
  
Muttering a simple oops. She quickly snapped her fingers, where another pair of dirty jeans, and muddy half chaps appeared, right in the place where her former ones had perished. Thinking smugly to self on how she looked perfectly well. Her dear partner Samantha has been lovingly chewing on her nails. Until she had stopped upon the spot of where she had chewed off a fragment of what she had left. In which the object looked dearly like Legolas's ass. And they quickly began to marvel over it. Wrapping it tightly in a spare piece of handmade, elfin crafted silk to store forever. Before happily forgetting about legolas once more, and only what to do when they get someplace warm.  
  
  
  
"Stalls are always a wonderful option" remarked Derwin lovingly. "But it must be a box stall, you know how rolly I can be at times" "yes, yes, you surely do have a point, anyway we will need room for my lunge whip, and your dressage, I only worry we might hurt the guy." After Derwin's reply to Samantha, both girls looked at each other and yelled "YAH RIGHT" at the same time before breaking into insane giggles for only the trillionth time.  
  
  
  
Returning again for the trillionth time to camp. The girls had finally decided it was impossible to wait, and they quickly rushed behind a clomp of snow to change quickly into their most exciting thongs. Derwin picking a pink and white one with a naughty scrolling marquee. And Samantha in black leather one with a red bow tie. They could hardly wait to.ambush the poor lil boy.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Weeeeeeeee! That was very exciting! Now, now. I will just have to see what picket fence has thought up with that clever lil mind of hers!  
  
R + R! 


End file.
